Where I Am Right Now

Change.

It’s what I think of when I think of autumn.

Fair warning – while writing this post I became overwhelmed with the specific desire to sit on a mountaintop and look whistfully out into the distance while singing Landslide. This is who I am, okay?

At least right now, it doesn’t feel like the first week of autumn. Heck, the temperatures are still in the 80s, and I brought all my shorts home, and I’m drowning in schoolwork already. I’ve neglected this blog lately because of it, as well as other life chaos. But I have returned from my long hiatus! Even if it’s only to tell you that I am, in fact, alive. 

The leaves are dying, and we call them beautiful.

So why do we scramble to hold onto our preplanned pictures of our lives?

The last few years have taught me that the maps we draw and the plans we design will fall apart but so something beyond our understanding will emerge.

For example, if you’d asked me three years ago what I’d be doing right now, I would’ve said getting ready to go abroad. I never thought I’d cling to my friends at school and they’d be my anchors because my home life was crazy. I never thought that we’d be living out of a garage. I didn’t picture rooming with Liv (in Sheehan), forming some amazing friendships, interning in Career Development, or even something so small as sitting at my job right now, because I didn’t know it was possible to become a writing tutor as a psychology major. I certainly never pictured actual people reading my actual draft of a novel (but now that it’s happening, it makes me so happy). 

Over the summer, thanks to a lot of turmoil, I heard a little voice in my head telling me to stay satisfied with the right here, the right now. I didn’t need to look for fulfillment across the ocean, in Italy or anywhere else. I didn’t need to. That’s not to say that those places aren’t great; it’s just not what I needed right now. I need to get comfortable with this chaos that exists within me and around me and now that God’s hand is in this all.

At times, it seems as though everyone around me has nailed down their life plans. I barely know what I’m doing tomorrow.

I didn’t know what to write this post about until I kept running across common themes this week. Yesterday, I read another blog post by the fabulous KM Weiland, whom I’ve come to regard as a writing mentor and Internet pal. She discusses how her love for writing nearly killed itself over the past year, how she had to step back from the constant grind of being Internet famous in order to really consider not just what kind of a writer she was but also what kind of person she wanted to be, and whether this life was in line with that goal.

There’s no checklist for life’s accomplishments, there’s no easy timeline, as much as we would like there to be.

There’s not even a timeline for blog posts, as anyone who’s taken a glance at my posting schedule will understand.

The moral of the story is: don’t be afraid to look a little like a pile of dead leaves. It makes way for new life.

So that’s kind of a peek into my life at the moment. Thanks for reading!